It’s challenging to know how much to personally share as a therapist. It gets even harder when countertransference is pushing us to more frequently or fully disclose. To never self-disclose is extreme, but how do we decide when it’s useful? 

In short, self-disclosure is best used to normalize or improve the alliance, but it’s typically infrequent. Below, I dig into the details.

What is therapist self-disclosure?

In therapy, self-disclosure is when the therapist shares something personal about themselves to a client (usually during session). There are disclosures of personal information, such as values or experiences, and there are disclosures of immediacy, sharing something relational or dialogic between the client and therapist in that moment. When this is done with therapeutic purpose, it can positively impact therapy and increase therapist authenticity.

Predominantly, self-disclosure is useful for normalizing something for the client or improving the alliance via building trust and accurate empathy. Much of the time we may try to be professional, but in some moments it’s more powerful to simply connect as a human being. 

I find that the more effectively I’m demonstrating my clear understanding, the more that my client feels understood by me, the less likely they are to bluntly ask me if I’ve experienced anything similar to what they’re describing. Often when clients ask this, it’s tentative and they’re seeking reassurance, which can be nice. Periodically, it’s asked in a more retaliatory or conversationally aggressive manner that is likely congruent with the client’s history and can tell you a lot about their communication with other people in their life. I try to view this as an attempt at self-protection likely based in past difficult experiences.

Throughout this article I discuss deliberate self-disclosure, but keep in mind that we sometimes accidentally self-disclose and there are incidental disclosures (e.g., wearing a wedding ring, visible tattoos, personal objects in the office, etc.). Even these small or unintended disclosures can have an effect on the alliance.

When to self-disclose in therapy

What degree of sharing is appropriate, or whether it should happen at all in a given situation, depends on context. A primary concern is that self-disclosures can draw attention away from the client and their work, so usually it’s done sparingly and with careful consideration.

The guiding question for self-disclosure is “Whose benefit am I saying this for?”

Putting another way, “whose needs am I trying to meet by sharing this?” Do I want them to feel less isolated, or that, given a certain experience of mine, I have very accurate empathy for them? Or do I want them to like me, think I’m more interesting, get one of my needs met? Any self-disclosure should get us thinking about countertransference, reflecting on if you’d share this with any other clients (and if not, why not), or if you’re sharing (at least in part) to relieve your own anxiety, discomfort, or out of a desire for validation.

Once you’ve seen a client many times, or perhaps across multiple courses of therapy over several years, there may be more room for reasonable self-disclosure, particularly with immediacy as trust increases. Self-disclosure with children and teens is often far more common than with adults—to lessen the discomfort or intimidation kids may feel toward new adults who are also professionals. This can improve the balance in your relationship and can help the child see you as a person more, aiding the alliance.

It’s often a good idea to slightly alter details about what you’re sharing, to side-step a self-disclosure. Rather than a story about yourself, say it’s about someone you know, such as a friend, or that you work with many clients who discuss this kind of concern—this disclosure still indicates that you understand and that the client isn’t alone in their experience. It’s rare that it will matter that the story is about you or not; many therapists make this refinement some time during the first few years. However, it can help to disclose a relevant personal mistake or social blunder if the client seems to view you as perfect and you want to shed some reality on that perception. It’s also a chance to model self-compassion after making a mistake. 

Think carefully about the timing, magnitude, and frequency of your self-disclosures. Timing and brevity are usually important factors here, where as longer disclosures risk derailing the session and annoying your client. Of course, what theoretic orientation you’re using can provide some guidance about how much self-disclosure to employ.

Many healthcare professionals work in a mostly self-regulated manner, thus you have to make these decisions for yourself in each moment. Doing so thoughtfully and with a healthy dose of professional self-doubt is a good sign. I encourage self-reflective practices here such as journaling, and you could reflect on your jurisdiction’s ethical decision making framework for larger questions (here’s an article from the APA on self-disclosure, or see the CPA’s code of ethics here). Consulting (or debriefing) with colleagues or a supervisor is a great idea if you’re feeling weird about a self-disclosure you used or are considering.

There’s no simple answer to the question of “how much self-disclosure should I use?” You might think of it like theoretical orientation + therapist personality = unique disclosure style

Self-Disclosure Group Therapy

In group therapy, I strategically self-disclose more often and in a particular way. It’s hard enough for people to open up one-on-one in therapy, let alone in a group of strangers, so I take that first step of opening up a bit during a check in or other relevant moment. I facilitate a lot of groups for male perpetrators of domestic violence, and while it’s especially useful there, it applies well to most therapy groups. Certainly some groups have one or a few great members so I don’t do this, but it’s common for me to get things started this way then reduce it over time as the rest of the group warms up and is on track with useful vulnerability. As in, I may briefly disclose a bit of frustration or exhaustion in session 2, then some embarrassment, guilt, or anxiety in sessions 3 and 4, and then back off. You’ve got to be careful that you’re being authentic, not a lame therapist who’s “modelling disclosure” to encourage clients to do so. I get around this by being authentic the whole time, so when I share this people (seem) to believe me. 

When not to Self-Disclose?

It can help to know when not to self-disclose, such as if clients demonstrate poor boundaries toward you already (e.g., trying to be friends, attraction, contacting you often and at unusual times).

In contexts such as crisis settings, inpatient units, and forensic or correctional facilities, there can be a heightened chance for personal disclosures to be misconstrued, unhelpful, or deliberately exploited by clients who routinely test boundaries. For less experienced therapists in particular, it can be important to recognize this continuum of risk. Therapists who work in prison settings have suggested to me that self-disclosure is often a bad idea, though this is outside my experience. Similarly, others have told me that on inpatient hospital units some “anti-social” clients may “fish” to see who will self-disclose more, which can inform the client about which staff will cross more boundaries more easily and so on. This is a pretty cynical view of human nature, but I wanted to pass it on for consideration.

A few other points: if you work in small communities or rural areas, consider that dual relationships become more challenging to avoid so whatever you disclose is more likely to affect other aspects of your connection to that client, which could blur boundaries as well. Additionally, in some cultures, self-disclosures from a mental health support could be viewed differently, with some clients finding it comforting and useful, others may expect a more formal and boundaried approach, or all kinds of varying expectations. Intersectional identities (yours and the client’s) can also impact how self-disclosures can be received.

Consider power dynamics as well: certain client populations (e.g., trauma survivors, historically marginalized communities) might experience your disclosures differently. A therapist’s identity and lived experiences can be a key factor in how the client interprets disclosures (whether they see it as helpful or as overshadowing their own concerns).

Research of Self-Disclosure

Therapist self-disclosure (TSD) has been fairly well researched. This 2018 meta-analysis from Hill et. al found “Across the 21 studies, the most frequent subsequent processes were enhanced therapy relationship, improved client mental health functioning, gains in insight, and overall helpfulness, suggesting that most often TSD and [use of immediacy] were followed by positive and beneficial therapeutic processes. In additional analyses, TSD was associated more often with improved mental health functioning, overall helpfulness, and enhanced therapy relationships, whereas [use of immediacy] was associated more often with clients opening up and being immediate.” Hill also noted that approximately 19% of cases reported a deterioration in the therapy relationship following, with table 8 in that paper being of particular interest.

This 2014 meta-analytic review found that in reviewing “53 studies that examined counselor self-disclosure (CSD) vs. nondisclosure. CSD, overall, was found to have a favorable impact on clients/participants, with clients/participants having favorable perceptions of disclosing counselors and rating themselves more likely to disclose to counselors who had self-disclosed. Specifically, CSD that (a) revealed similarity between client and counselor; (b) was of negative content valence; or (c) was related to intra- or, especially, extratherapy experiences, had favorable impacts on clients/participants compared with nondisclosure. These types of disclosure resulted in more favorable perceptions of the counselor, especially in the area of professional attractiveness. CSD that revealed similarity between client and counselor also had a favorable impact on clients'/participants' allegiance-specifically, on their willingness to return-to disclosing counselors… Clinical implications include that CSD may be beneficial for building rapport, strengthening alliance, and eliciting client disclosure, with similar CSD being especially beneficial.”

There is a lot more research available if you’re interested, but these give an overview of many studies.

Case Example: Client asks me if I've experienced trauma

Imagine a client, KL, who is 28 years old and came to see me because she had experienced ongoing physical and emotional abuse while living with her ex-partner. He moved out 2 months ago, and though KL initially felt relief, she continues to feel more anxiety, fear, hyper-vigilance, and shame than she expected to be feeling at this point. It has also made her reflect on some related traumatic events from her youth, and she reported that her feelings have become pretty overwhelming at times. She's been experiencing financial stress as well, now that she is living alone somewhat unexpectedly.

KL shared that on the few occasions she tried talking about her trauma in the past, she felt misunderstood or dismissed. As a result, she hesitated to share these experiences with me during our first session. Once KL began describing her story and feelings, however, she paused and asked me if I truly understood what she was going through. In a moment of vulnerability, she asked whether I had ever experienced trauma.

My thinking and response:

In a case where I felt the client was reasonably stable and employing reasonable boundaries with me (which is often the case in a typical therapy session), I wouldn't feel the need to reflect on using self-disclosure here too carefully. This person is vulnerable and feels isolated and misunderstood, and she worked up the courage to share some of it with me--it's not my style to give an overly-boundaried response in that kind of moment or to respond academically. In my opinion, these are moments for genuine humanity.

I might respond with something like: "yea, in my own way, I experienced trauma growing up--abuse and a parent with significant substance use problems. I wish that I hadn't, I wish I didn't know how it feels to be going through something like this. Life can be so complicated and painful sometimes, no matter how hard we try. I hear about trauma from my clients most days that I'm here, it's tragically common, and the fear, shame, and embarrassment [capture emotions they've mentioned or exhibited here] we might feel about having experienced it can make us not want to open up about it. But it can help to talk about it, when we feel ready and safe. I'm not saying it's easy to do, just that you're not alone... What's it been like for you, so far, sharing some of this with me?"

Note that I directly but briefly answer their question and quickly move to the "process" aspect of the discussion in a way that doesn't seem to dismiss their concern. I don't discussing my "content" but I'm also not inviting discussion of their "content/story" either, yet it still (hopefully) feels genuine and connecting. If a client pushed me for details I’d try to be diplomatic and just say “it was hard.” If they pushed more, I wouldn't provide more details; I'd directly say I'm not comfortable discussing it and that I don't think it would be a good use of our time--but needing to say this has been incredibly rare for me.

It's not that common for clients to bluntly as me if I've had X experience before, but it does happen. More typical would be a client to pause and ask "do you know what I mean?", which might indicate I haven't been effectively using enough of my active listening or 'micro-skills' of counselling (not have I been using them a lot, just if I've been using them effectively). Or if I have, it's a small invitation where I might self-disclose though I could also take it in many other directions.

See the rest of the article for situations or professional contexts where detailed disclosures might be less advisable. Beyond that, if a client has a personality disorder or I generally get a "vibe" that they're "fishing" or testing boundaries rather than sharing in a genuine sense, then I'd disclose in less detail or as little as possible, but again, that's been very rare in my experience working in general private practice counselling. It's also been very rare when working with court mandated clients (especially once rapport has been established and a client is genuinely engaged in the work), and with clients who have gotten funding through various community programs. You will likely make some mistakes with this, but reflect, consult, and debrief regularly, and pretty quickly your awareness will improve and you'll find the approach to self-disclosure that works for you (which varies for all of us).

It doesn't take too long to be noticing the vast majority of clients who aren't being genuine--and a key indicator is "what do they have to gain by being here?" In most cases for therapists, the answer is nothing, so it doesn't happen that much. If your role somehow has a gate-keeping function then you have to watch more closely for this kind of deception or malingering (e.g., you do parenting assessments or your opinion/notes might be used in a custody dispute (or the client believes this could happen), your assessments or opinion allow clients access to funding or prescription medications, etc.). In those contexts, you'd almost certainly have access to a supervisor or experienced colleagues who could give you advice highly relevant to the specific situation.

In this case, as long as I disclose in a manner that doesn't leave the client thinking or feeling like I need to be taken care of, then it can be okay. It's usually a bad idea to disclose about something that is emotionally "unresolved" in yourself. Ultimately, if it benefits the client—making them feel less alone and more willing to open up—then a concise, honest self-disclosure can be part of a healing alliance. The key is ensuring the focus remains on their needs, not mine.

If you haven’t experienced any trauma or don’t want to self-disclose for any reason, you can still talk about how often you connect with clients who deal with these kinds of experiences as a way to assure the client you understand, you have related experience (not personally but still in a significant way), and that they’re not alone.

When asked personal questions as a therapist

Do what seems authentic to you. My approach is to answer honestly and briefly, and not over-therapize the moment, then direct things back to the client. Because of how I structure first sessions and present with warm but clear boundaries, people don’t ask me many personal questions. 

We all get some clients who decide we can’t understand them because we’ve never had the exact version of their experience. I’m not out to convince people; if they don’t like me or choose to believe I’m not the right counsellor for them, then it’s probably not going to work anyway. 

If clients notice I seem down and I am, my stance is to be honest. Anyone who is that discerning will notice a fake answer. I’ll say that I am having a bit of an off day, but I’m taking care of myself by doing what I need to, that I appreciate their concern, and that I’m able to be present with them today. It’s a good opportunity to model some relevant skill for them. Certainly you can choose not to answer questions, perhaps give a brief reason, and redirect back to the work. 

To be clear, I’m comfortable self-disclosing and do it more than most of my peers. I also have strong boundaries and (I like to think) good judgement about when disclosure useful and appropriate. A colleague of mine used to say “you can ask me about anything you want; I’ll either answer you or tell you why I’m not comfortable answering”. 

Consider the effect of your online presence and social media. Some clients will google their therapists, and depending on how much you’ve posted and your privacy settings on various platforms, they may know a significant amount about you (reminder to google yourself and adjust accordingly!). As an example, in my work, I’ve written many articles, a book, and I have a podcast, so many clients know a lot about me upfront, which I considered before proceeding.

I won’t be a hypocrite and tell you never to try it. Experiment while being reasonable, seek supervision, and go from there. If you can do it while keeping things on track and the focus on the client, you’re on the right path. Usually, the briefer it is, the better.

Overall Key takeaways:

• Ask yourself who’s benefit you’re disclosing for

• Keep disclosures brief and purposeful

• Check your motives (e.g., countertransference) and the potential effect on the client

• Be ready to maintain firm boundaries if the client begins to focus more on your story than their own

• There is no one-size-fits-all formula—like “always disclose X, never disclose Y”

• When in doubt, consult a supervisor or colleague, especially in higher-risk settings

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