It’s challenging to know how much to personally share as a therapist. It gets even harder when countertransference is pushing us to more frequently or fully disclose. To never self-disclose is extreme, but how do we decide when it’s useful? 

In short, self-disclosure is best used to normalize or improve the alliance, but it’s typically infrequent. Below, I dig into the details.

What is therapist self-disclosure?

In therapy, self-disclosure is when the therapist shares something personal about themselves to a client (usually during session). There are disclosures of personal information, such as values or experiences, and there are disclosures of immediacy, sharing something relational or dialogic between the client and therapist in that moment. When this is done with therapeutic purpose, it can positively impact therapy and increase therapist authenticity.

Predominantly, self-disclosure is useful for normalizing something for the client or improving the alliance via building trust and accurate empathy. Much of the time we may try to be professional, but in some moments it’s more powerful to simply connect as a human being. 

When to self-disclose in therapy

What degree of sharing is appropriate, or whether it should happen at all in a given situation, depends on context. A primary concern is that self-disclosures can draw attention away from the client and their work, so usually it’s done sparingly and with careful consideration.

The guiding question for self-disclosure is “Whose benefit am I saying this for?”

Putting another way, “whose needs am I trying to meet by sharing this?” Do I want them to feel less isolated, or that, given a certain experience of mine, I have very accurate empathy for them? Or do I want them to like me, think I’m more interesting, get one of my needs met? Any self-disclosure could get us thinking about countertransference.

Once you’ve seen a client many times, or perhaps across multiple courses of therapy over several years, there may be more room for reasonable self-disclosure, particularly with immediacy as trust increases. Self-disclosure with children and teens is often far more common than with adults—to lessen the discomfort or intimidation kids may feel toward new adults who are also professionals. This can improve the balance in your relationship and can help the child see you as a person more, aiding the alliance.

It’s often a good idea to slightly alter details about what you’re sharing, to side-step a self-disclosure. Rather than a story about yourself, say it’s about someone you know. It’s rare that it will matter that the story is about you or not; many therapists make this refinement some time during the first few years. However, it can help to disclose a relevant personal mistake or social blunder if the client seems to view you as perfect and you want to shed some reality on that perception. It’s also a chance to model self-compassion after making a mistake. 

In group therapy, I strategically self-disclose more often and in a particular way. It’s hard enough for people to open up one-on-one in therapy, let alone in a group of strangers, so I take that first step of opening up a bit during a check in or other relevant moment. I facilitate a lot of groups for male perpetrators of domestic violence, and while it’s especially useful there, it applies well to most therapy groups. Certainly some groups have one or a few great members so I don’t do this, but it’s common for me to get things started this way then reduce it over time as the rest of the group warms up and is on track with useful vulnerability. As in, I may briefly disclose a bit of frustration or exhaustion in session 2, then some embarrassment, guilt, or anxiety in sessions 3 and 4, and then back off. You’ve got to be careful that you’re being authentic, not a lame therapist who’s “modelling disclosure” to encourage clients to do so. I get around this by being authentic the whole time, so when I share this people (seem) to believe me. 

It can help to know when not to self-disclose, such as if clients demonstrate poor boundaries toward you already (e.g., trying to be friends, attraction, contacting you often and at unusual times). Therapists who work in prison settings have suggested to me that self-disclosure is often a bad idea, though this is outside my experience. Similarly, others have told me that on inpatient hospital units some “anti-social” clients may “fish” to see who will self-disclose more, which can inform the client about which staff will cross more boundaries more easily and so on. This is a pretty cynical view of human nature, but I wanted to pass it on for consideration. Lastly, in crisis work self-disclosure may be more contraindicated than is typical.

When asked personal questions as a therapist

Do what seems authentic to you. My approach is to answer honestly and briefly, and not over-therapize the moment, then direct things back to the client. Because of how I structure first sessions and present with warm but clear boundaries, people don’t ask me many personal questions. 

We all get some clients who decide we can’t understand them because we’ve never had the exact version of their experience. I’m not out to convince people; if they don’t like me or choose to believe I’m not the right counsellor for them, then it’s probably not going to work anyway. 

If clients notice I seem down and I am, my stance is to be honest. Anyone who is that discerning will notice a fake answer. I’ll say that I am having a bit of an off day, but I’m taking care of myself by doing what I need to, that I appreciate their concern, and that I’m able to be present with them today. It’s a good opportunity to model some relevant skill for them. Certainly you can choose not to answer questions, perhaps give a brief reason, and redirect back to the work. 

To be clear, I’m comfortable self-disclosing and do it more than most of my peers. I also have strong boundaries and (I like to think) good judgement about when disclosure useful and appropriate. A colleague of mine used to say “you can ask me about anything you want; I’ll either answer you or tell you why I’m not comfortable answering”. 

I won’t be a hypocrite and tell you never to try it. Experiment while being reasonable, seek supervision, and go from there. If you can do it while keeping things on track and the focus on the client, you’re on the right path. Usually, the briefer it is, the better.

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