Social Behaviours related to Autism placed in Social Context
The following text was taken from Michael Samsel’s work. I’ve pasted it below exactly as he wrote it, in case his website goes offline. It’s a very extensive list and written from an expert stance, which I don’t prefer. However, it does help illustrate what social behaviours may be impacted by ASD.
Interpersonal Traits Placed in Context
In this section I am describing several common traits, not in the form of diagnostic criteria, but in the form of 'recognition' elements. These are not at all meant to capture the internal experience of a man or woman with Asperger's (for that there are many excellent 'insider' Asperger books that have come out in the last decade and a half). In fact, as mentioned above, since Asperger's as a construct derives from the neuro-typical point of view, it is impossible to describe traits in this framework without using the internal experience of the neuro-typical as a reference point.
In addition, emphasis is placed on 'traits of intrusion' which show themselves in casual and work relationships. 'Traits of absence' which show themselves more in romantic and parenting relationships, are not listed. To do so would seem less balanced since there is less of an 'aspie side' to these conflicts.
It is well to repeat the truism that no person is a label or list of traits. All generalizations are off the mark in some way when applied to specific situations. The traits listed below are selected to illustrate common areas of conflict in casual interaction. Of course no person has all these traits, and no one trait or small grouping of traits is definitional.
Uncommunicative Eye Contact: In humans, eye contact is the center of the attachment system. In Asperger's Syndrome there is either an avoidance of eye contact (most common) or an unvarying, relative unblinking, staring, constant eye contact (less common). Avoidant eye contact gives an impression of 'having something to hide', and also eliminates a big channel of communication and trust. Staring eye contact, because of its unchanging nature, is also uncommunicative, and is generally experienced as disturbing on the receiving end.
Difficulty Using Body Language. This comes from lack of contact with the body, and lack of embodied emotion. Body language at best is spontaneous and unconscious. When it is consciously undertaken, it tends to be 'flung', hurried, exaggerated and stereotyped, more in line with a code like hand signals than a demonstration of feeling. Muscular spasticities also contribute, since the manner in which he or she moves is less under the person's control.
Decreased Facial Expression: Though lower emotion is an element, the flatness of expression may be increased by neuro-underdevelopment of the facial nerves and hypotonicity of the facial muscles. This is an element also of difficulty reading facial expressions, since we all have trouble interpreting movement in others that we cannot make ourselves. A risk here is that explosions may seemingly come out of nowhere because growing upset was not in evidence to others
Difficulty Interpreting Body Language: While body-language often is simplistically considered a code, when most instances are broken down, very few clear consistent correspondences are found between meaning and static position. That is why books on body-language quickly draw interest but fail to satisfy. The truth is, most body language works by producing a feeling in the receiver's own body.
Not Recognizing 'Yellow Light' Conditions: For instance, if you bore me for five minutes at a party, I may listen politely and make small hints and gestures towards the end of that period that I want to do or talk about something else. If you miss this and continue to bore me for 30 minutes, I may erupt in anger and castigate you. To the aspie, this is dumbfounding: It seems I have suddenly changed on a dime because something I was polite about before suddenly I am not polite about. This is not only failing to understand the hints and non-verbal indications. It is lack of understanding tolerance. Many things are tolerated for a short time—loudness, disruptiveness, distractingness, bad jokes, etc.-- because of empathy. Aspies often mistake tolerance for acceptance or approval, because of the belief that something is either 'right' and not criticizable or 'wrong' and should not be permitted at all.
Mistaking Friendliness for Friendship: Many people are sincerely friendly, even with, or especially with, people they do not know well. The depth of the feeling is not always proportional to the friendliness which is just an expression of general goodwill. In addition, some will act solicitous toward an upset or 'out of sync' person because they take that person to be in distress (this is especially the case with women). This solicitousness can be mistaken for approval of or request for more of the mis-attuned behavior. A spiral into trouble is easy to foresee.
Hates to be Misunderstood or Not Understood: Certainly, nobody likes this. But for an aspie, comprehension is the only connection, so for it to fail is to be ostracized. This can be true even when the other person is friendly and not arguing and the matter trying to be put across is not personal.
Poor at Persuasion Aspies think in terms of the the optimal thing to do, and assume that everyone wants to do the optimal. Persuasion is about tapping in to and understanding the desires of others apart from the merits of what is proposed. Of course persuasion can cross ethical lines, and the aspie take on persuasion is usually that it is dishonest. However, even honest advocacy of any sort relies on understanding the desires and tendencies of the 'audience.' Aspies of course are often found trying to convince others they are right, but in this tend to trample on the interests and perspectives of others. Aspies sometimes fall into the role of 'anti-persuaders' who make even beneficial undertakings seems unappealing.
Difficulty Following Verbal Instructions Verbal instructions tend to be fairly imprecise in word choice, relying on context and intonation. For instance a neuro-typical brings a box into the house, in sight of the aspie and sets it down on the dining room table. A few minutes later, the neuro-typical asks the aspie, “Would you please take the box to the garage?” Now the aspie knows that in the house there are many boxes, and immediately he or she starts to think of which box might be meant, and the varying implications of bringing the different boxes to the garage. Needless to say, there is no prompt response, which the neuro-typical takes for both unwillingness to help and rudeness. To the neuro-typical, it is obvious that the box he or she just had would be the one of interest, but this is based on feeling. Logic might point to that box but only weakly. Aspies tend to think of all possible meanings of an instruction instead of the probable meaning. The 'command' voice of another can also cause tensing and defeat comprehension.
Confusing Friendliness and Friendship. Generally, for most encounters, strangers act friendly, co-workers act friendly, and friends act friendly. The difference is felt by the participants however, and so strangers do not ask what a friend might go on to ask. This can obscure the boundary. An aspie that is trying to act friendly (and perhaps has been encouraged to do so) may imitate the friendliness observed between two friends and 'presume too much' and be hurtfully rebuffed.
Mistaking Friendliness for Sexual Interest. This is especially difficult for aspie men, who like men generally must make the first unambiguous 'move'. As mentioned in the paragraph above, a woman will tend to show interest in a man that is annoying, with an instinct to soothe. Likewise she will tend to show interest in a man she is sexually attracted to. Many an aspie man has been humiliated making a pass that was completely unwanted.
Only Honor Logically-Pure Rules: Some boundaries or standards are really felt things hard to quite pin down in words, and so when committed to rules, they are inconsistent or incompletely described. Implementing these rules requires understanding of what is really bothersome. Aspies tend to dismiss what is not clear or logical.
Discomfort When Being Served: With Asperger's, it is hard to know what is expected of one in a service situation, because what is expected is knowing what one wants, which is very hard with this Syndrome. Most social occasions involve being served, however, because emotional bonds develop when pleasure is shared.
Seems Insufficiently Moved Emotionally. Where empathy is at the forefront, communication is about impact. Where systematizing is at the forefront, communication is about implication. Both are needed to address real problems responsibly; neither is morally superior. However, a common transaction is one person telling another person their problems, not to get a solution, but to feel better by the impact on the other. This is a difficult spot for the aspie (and men in general, and many women) who look for implications of things to do to fix it or at least help practically.
Pronouncement-itis A pronouncement is a declaration of the operating principles of a situation or system. Because aspies are understanding the world by systematizing it, they share their experience in pronouncements. Now pronouncements are the format of lectures and textbooks, but can seem impersonal or overbearing in a casual context. It can seem especially unnatural before adulthood. Dr Asperger referred to this as being “a little professor.”
Doesn't Let Others 'Save Face'. It is embarrassing (that is, it feels bad) to end up on the losing side of a question or conflict. 'Saving face' is a softening of the blow, and has two aspects: 1) All parties know not to refer to the 'loss' explicitly, and 2) the 'loser' is allowed to revise history a bit to make it appear they were not actually opposed to what eventually happened. This is a small dishonesty that is allowed in polite company. Empathy (and pragmatism!) allows face-saving, but from an informational point-of-view, it contaminates the database and aspies are more dedicated to keeping the record clear and accurate.
Tactlessness: Tact is truth with empathy. Saying nothing at times may be best, but it is avoidance and not tact. Tact is an art which varies from person to person. With Asperger's Syndrome, there is usually no avoidance, but also no tact. Where empathy is lacking, some truths sound harsh and jarring, and this impact engenders extra resistance in the listener whatever the accuracy of the observation. Frequently it is believed that the person with Asperger's meant to hurt, but this is untrue. He or she is actually speaking the way they wish to be spoken to— directly and straightforwardly.
Saying Directly to Someone What Others Say Out of Earshot: The underlying belief is that the greatest good comes from the most people having the most information. The feelings of the person seem inadequate reason to leave him or her in the dark. Very occasionally, this can be the right thing to do, but often, to the aspies dismay, the informed person is more angry at him or her than the person originally generating the statements. This is because it is the knowledge that brings the pain. Among neuro-typicals this is a deliberate way to hurt someone, but for an aspie, it is innocent.
Not Respecting Hierarchy: This is often badly mistaken for arrogance or a 'god-complex' A person lower on a hierarchy (younger, less seniority, subordinate position, or lower rank) can at times have better information than someone higher on the hierarchy. If information is all that matters, then indeed that person should be telling others what to do. People with Asperger's rarely become boss, and end up resenting bosses that work less hard, are less intelligent, or less knowledgeable than they are (that is most bosses), because it is illogical.
Extreme Black and White Positions: In an informational world, if something is logically right, it should be permitted without restraint, and if it is logically wrong it should be eliminated entirely. It is using reason as 'razor' By contrast, a gray area is a partial allowing of something as long as it doesn't get out of hand. This arises often out of the understanding that one feels different about a matter when directly affected than when viewing it from the outside.
Disputes the Preference or Likes of Others: Preferences are both feelings and judgments about the fitness of an option. If one misses the feeling part and recognizes only the judgment, then it is logical to think there are single 'best' preferences based on knowledge and understanding. What is missed is that preferences are about pleasure, sensation, emotion, and personal history, which of course vary from person to person. Some people don't mind debating their judgments (this can't be assumed) but no one likes to have to debate his or her feelings.
Insists Others Do Something His or Her Way. This comes mainly from believing he or she knows the best way, and wanting to 'complete' a system. The hesitancy of others is viewed as a 'mistake,' not other people protecting their integrity by not doing what they don't to do. The aspie is not trying to dominate or use others.
Factual Literalness: There can be confusion with small inaccuracies or imprecision in instructions despite many other clarifying cues. For instance, a neuro-typical points to a pencil and and says, “hand me that pen there” while holding paper and obviously wanting to write and there is no other writing instrument nearby. The aspie may well be paralyzed or get up and go look for an actual pen elsewhere. Sometimes when an action that has been done many times before is called for in a sequence, and aspie may stop if the instruction to do it is different than it was before. Word choice is paramount because that is the determinant of meaning that aspies lie almost entirely upon, and they may be searching for a change in meaning with any change in wording
Literal Standard of Honesty: An aspie may frequently accuse others of lying. Exaggeration, teasing, impressionistic speech, saying one thing and then saying something different in order to 'box in' a meaning from both sides---these may be experienced as 'lies' by the aspie. Language of course is not just about conveying objective information, but also about producing feeling in the other. “Saying something one doesn't mean,” or at least mean literally, has to do with conveying frustration, or urgency, etc.. to the listener. Aspies understand correction or revision of course, but in those cases people said exactly what they thought was correct at the time. To quickly and casually overturn what one has said recently is taken as evidence of original insincerity, but that is not usually the case. An exaggeration is a mix of true and untrue, which is incompatible with logic.
Literal View of Agreements: Some agreements are meant to be solemn promises but most agreements are temporary works in progress. For example a neuro-typical says “lets eat at the Mexican restaurant” and the aspie agrees. Then on the way, the neuro-typical sees a teriyaki restaurant he or she had forgot about and says “oh let's eat here”. The aspie may get disturbed, believing an agreement has been cast aside. This is likely equally true if the aspie prefers teriyaki! The allegiance is to the agreement, not the mutual enjoyment. There is no understanding of a 'whim' A whim is sincere but not meant to be durable. A whim does not become a lie or betrayal by changing.
Social Faux Pas: The typical faux pas is saying something that's true, but 'should' remain unspoken. Aspies are never certain if something is real unless it is explicit. It is hard to stay quiet if there is something that has not been said, and hard to speak and leave something out.
Not Modifying Style for the Situation: Again this arises from not understanding how context and relationship affect the impact of an interaction. An aspie may be quite argumentative or contentious about views they have had to defend, even when among well-wishers.
Over-Inclusion of Detail Information is in details, and since an aspie seeks connection through mutual comprehension of information,. the greater the hope of connection, the more detail is provided. But to a neuro- typical, detail, especially non-human detail, is seen as pushing away connection. (with some non-aspie speakers, excess detail does have this intention) Moreover, because of a literal conception of honesty and an over- valuation of information, aspies may feel that they are lying if they leave any information out, even through lack of time, or forgetting, or lack of interest on the part of the listener.
Doesn't Recognize Hints: Hints consist of saying something uncontroversial, but the meaning is actually something controversial that might arise in the mind of the hearer based on feeling implications. For instance a person wanting to end a social evening might say to the guest, “I bet you have a busy day tomorrow!” The hinting implication works by causing the hearer to go from busy -> to doing lots of things -> to effort -> to needing energy -> to people needing sleep -> to thinking the host needs sleep. When Asperger's is involved however, the statement will tend to be taking literally, the answer may be “no, not at all, I have no plans for tomorrow.” with the hint completely missed. Eventually the host will speak plainly, but because it seems hints have been ignored, the host will speak with rancor, which the aspie guest will experience as coming out of nowhere. Also hints are a dominance-sensitive, that is high-status people are not expected to heed hints but lower status people are. Aspies are often mistaken for arrogant when they don't heed hints.
Inability to Make Smalltalk: Smalltalk is bonding behavior. It is about sharing feeling, not information. Information is deliberately kept low to avoid triggering defenses. Gossip contains somewhat more information but but on highly charged topics so that the effect on the hearer is still the purpose.
Not Getting Jokes: As is well known jokes cannot be understood intellectually. Most humor is based on the tension between the punchline being illogical and unexpected on one hand, but on the other hand, fitting and agreeable on a impressionistic basis. Laughing is release of tension. When an Asperger's person make's a joke, it sometimes is just an arbitrary contradiction, because this is what jokes seem to be.
Face-blindness (prosopagnosia) We recognize familiar faces by how they make us feel. That is, implicit processing is used. The more important a person is to us, the stronger the feeling and so the easier the recognition. That is why not being recognized is taken as an insult--it is seen as a judgment of non-importance. Someone relying on explicit processing, however, only recognizes faces through long familiarity or repetition. The problem usually arises with a new potential friend or person to whom the aspie has been specifically introduced. Because of the importance, recognition should be easy, but to the aspie, because of the newness, recognition is elusive.
Walking Away in the 'Middle' This can be two things: 1) being overwhelmed (and perhaps not recognizing it), 2) not recognizing social transitions, which are about attachment and not information.
Delayed Response: Explicit processing is slower than both implicit processing or spontaneous expression. Self- doubt and secondary 'walking on eggshells' only adds to the delay. With delayed response, and no response (described below) synchrony is violated.
No Response: When neuro-typicals have no informative response, they respond anyway, with a response that acknowledges the question, or perhaps an emotional response. Aspies if they have no informative answer, will give no answer, although usually they are working on an ultimate informative answer. If the situation is one in which only an emotional response is possible, the aspie is usually speechless. This does not mean that the aspie is completely devoid of emotion, but that he or she automatically rules out these emotional bits as ingredients of a response. Neuro-typicals may feel ignored, which if it was the case, would be deeply disrespectful.
Seems Not to Follow Through on Agreements Aspies usually prize efficiency. For instance a neuro-typical wife asks an aspie husband to take something out to the garage. The aspie readily agrees. He knows that three days later, he will go into the garage to get the lawnmower. He mentally schedules the task for the same time, and continues to work on the computer the rest of the day. Later that afternoon, the wife is outraged, thinking he did not follow through. To her, it was understood that she wanted it done that day, perhaps that was conveyed in her voice or manner. He of course intends to follow through, and the efficiency aspect is meant to facilitate maximum contributions, the opposite of shirking.
Prefers Non-Fiction and Avoids Fiction: Probably two prongs 1) Since aspies are trying to complete understanding of the world, fiction is seen as a waste of time since it is potentially (if not practically) limitless, a true open ended system. 2) Fiction is made up, that is, it is not true! A non-fiction book that is made up is considered unethical. Fiction has no restriction and so may not be reliable. Those who like fiction of course do so because the ability to alter reality is used to intensify the interpersonal drama and increase the emotional effect on the reader more strongly, which 'brings the truth home.' A possible exception is some science fiction which is an imaginative reshuffling of systems, or horror, which deals with existential, not interpersonal worries.
Turns Conversations into Monologues: Neuro-typical speakers tend to let topics wander, because when this happens, the two speakers find out about each other and 'feel each other out.' Aspies though try to make contact through information. They know that staying on a topic exhaustively makes for the best information exchange. The aspie will usually have a greater depth of factual knowledge about many topic (often by an order of magnitude). Also he or she is reluctant to enter topics about which they know little. Aspies are often willing to listen to lectures about interesting topics, and so see little problem in giving lectures. These can be rambling or technically excellent lectures, but are not based on the interests or effect on the other person.
Stilted or Overly Formal Manner: This is an attempted safe haven from violating social norms. The formal manner is deemed the most considerate or careful by the aspie. But to the neuro-typical it feels out of place and is received by others as either odd, cold or arrogant.
Starts a Discussion Out of Context: This has several possible causes, 1) The aspie does not like to restate what has been stated sometime in the past (because this calls into question the whole truth-defining nature of explicit statements.) But this fails to set the context for the other person, 2) A naive belief that others are thinking about what one is thinking, or 3) the aspie has been processing something for a long-time and is answering where he or she left off.
Doesn't Apologize Readily: Aspies understand the confessional function of apologies but not the empathic one. That is, one can apologize because one has done something wrong and hurt another, but one can also apologize when one has done nothing wrong, or intended no harm, but someone else is nonetheless hurt. In practice of course the distinction is blurred with great benefit-- that is, people apologize in case they have done wrong. This makes unnecessary a dispute over whether someone has done wrong. Relying only on the confessional aspect, aspies only apologize when they are certain they have done wrong, which is a rare event for anybody, human nature being what it is.
Not a Team Player: The allegiance is to the truth, not the group. This can have great advantages in ethics and justice but it defeats bonding and closeness.
Doesn't Give and Doesn't Acknowledge Compliments. A true compliment is an expression of pleasure, not information. To compliment someone or something is to indicate it has been a source of pleasure. Without this understanding, compliments seems manipulative (as indeed they sometimes are) and aspies abhor manipulation.
Exaggerated Vigilance About Being Manipulated: Manipulation is getting someone to do what they do not want to do, by using their beliefs against them. Aspies always want to act consistent to beliefs regardless of desire. Whereas a neuro-typical, finding him- or herself doing something they do not want to do might just quit, an aspie will have a difficult time not carrying on even when realizing they are being misused! Hence the automatic wariness about the requests of others.
Doesn't Heed Unexplained Warnings or Recommendations: An aspie definitely wants to learn from the experience of others, but can only do so through the information developed. Especially when it comes to warnings, neuro-typicals tend to remember what not to do, but drop the reasons, or don't even ask, because to the neuro-typical they are especially unneeded. For recommendations of what to do, neuro-typicals may do a little better but often still drop the reasons. But the aspie needs reasons to act. The communicated fear or anticipation of others are not strong motivating forces. Aspies sometimes will promptly do what they have been told not to do, not in defiance, but to understand the reason. This, and the predictable 're-inventing the wheel' that has to happen, seems bizarrely unsocial or untrusting.
Doesn't Recognize His- or Herself Boring Others: Quite simply, aspies are never bored!. If information is not available in the immediate environment, it can be brought up in memory. Neuro-typicals only find certain information interesting. Motor restlessness in the listener is not recognized as a clue to boredom (or other distress) because aspies often have the same motor restlessness for other reasons.
Gets 'Captured' by Problems: Anything broken can be thought of as a system with something out of place. With Asperger's, putting systems right is a joy when it happens, and a huge distraction when it doesn't. Hours may be spent fixing something that only provides a minute's convenience. Others may just want to get on with life. But if one feels life is about putting things in order, how can one proceed when something is 'out of order?'
Doesn't Ask for Help Usually it doesn't occur to an aspie to ask for help. This can result in some ingenious inventions or workarounds where neuro-typicals would just use assistance from others. However, getting help from others, if not over-done, is bonding and develops liking. Cooperating in an activity is something many neuro-typicals find enjoyable. Aspies usually don't, and also often abhor the inefficiency. Neuro-typicals looking on, feel untrusted or judged incompetent.
Difficulty Distinguishing Intentional from Unintentional Acts. It is difficult to feel the intention of another who say bumps into them. In early life, aspies tend to over-assume unintentional, but later in life, after experiencing disappointment and bullying (discussed below) there is more tendency to over-assume intentional and malicious intent.
Fixated on the Negative Because of the focus on decreasing pain, everything tends to get seen in a 'problem' focus, and there is little framework for acknowledging or celebrating successes. However, pointing out only the negative in others efforts is experienced by the neuro-typical as ill-will.
Doesn't Acknowledge the Validity of Other Viewpoints. Neuro-typicals invest a sense of themselves into their sincere opinions. People are emotionally connected to their ideas. A gracious way to disagree is to acknowledge the other opinion as legitimate and interesting, even if one doesn't quite agree. This is an area where tact is in order. Aspies tend to treat a different viewpoint only informationally, refuting it without dilution. To a neuro- typical, this feels like they themselves, not just their position, are being attacked as wrong. Aspies believe it is dishonest to 'hide' disagreement, but since agreement is never 100 percent, letting many differences go unremarked is both practical and good manners.
Difficulty Merging Interests with Others: Generally it is understood that we all have different interests. To connect, people often try to find common interests, which may include some adaptation to make a fit. But aspies tend to not try to adapt to the interests of others but stick their own interests. The interests of others simply are not motivating factors for the aspie. This has the important implication that aspies prefer parallel play, that is, two people doing their own thing next to each other. Most neuro-typical adults are bored with this and think the aspie wants to be left alone, but this is often not the case. Aspies are known for 'solo' play partly because it is difficult to find 'parallel play' partners.
Laughing or Smiling Inappropriate to Context It seems that the face has some low-level neurological organization which causes it to smile or laugh when incongruity is experienced. That is, when two things that don't go together are put together, a smile or laugh is a reflex. This becomes a building block of mirth or humor. In neuro-typicals, there are so many other layers of emotional connection with the face, that the pure reflex is not ever showing. For the aspie the involuntary reflex engages with discomfort, such as not knowing what to do, or being criticized unfairly. The aspie face in this case is not expressing derision or disdain, but discomfort and emotional confusion which is situation appropriate. This is one of the most tragic misunderstandings, many aspies have been fired or made pariahs for a single instance of this.
Strange Faces or Facial Expression This comes from stiffness in the facial muscles and disconnection of the face from emotional centers. Strange faces are usually spontaneous maneuvers to stretch facial muscles. See the discussion of stimming under the hypersensitivity section.
Fails to Recognize and Acknowledge Tact or Kindness in Others: This applies when another person is confronting or complaining to the aspie. If this is done with tact, graciousness, or restraint, it implies goodwill and an intention to work together.. If the restraint or moderation is missed however, the intent is experienced as hostile and so great defensiveness and hostility may arise in the aspie. The gracious person will feel insulted, but the aspie will feel that the other person 'started it.' An opportunity to resolve the issue and strengthen the relationship is lost.
Clothing Poorly Coordinated. Aspies tend not to consider the effect of their appearance on others, and clothing is often chosen for very different reasons than how it looks: frugality, low-cost or free, associations with prior good events, etc...'Mismatched' combinations are common, because each piece is chosen more for itself than any overall look. Often very worn-out items are still treasured, kept and worn frequently because of sensory defensiveness.
Seems to Value Inanimate Objects More than People For instance after re-modeling a room, an aspie might resent the marks or wear and tear that others leave once they commence living in the room. Aspies often look to inanimate objects or abstract concepts to bring about security because both categories, unlike humans, are predictable, reliable, and reliably shape-able. If the tendency is for the abstract, the aspie may seem dreamy. If the tendency is for the inanimate, the aspie may seem 'obsessive-compulsive,' and conflict with others is heightened quite a bit. It is not about greed or hating. The comfort of others is not seen as a plentiful counterbalance to the mess of others because the aspie usually does not value his or her physical comfort.
General Distrust This is a secondary effect of having been hurt early in life, during a 'naive phase' Aspies are incapable of insincerity and so have trouble recognizing it in others. Aspies have the strength of seeing through razzle-dazzle and perceiving problems about which neuro-typicals are temporarily blinded. Aspies however, may have trouble sizing up character quickly. (This never a foolproof process but it is how most people make friends.) After a certain amount of experience, the default position is taken that others are unreliable, insincere, and badly-intentioned, and of course selective attention is able to pull out small details that seem to confirm this.
Comes Off as Arrogant Arrogance is dismissing the contributions or point of view of others. Aspies tend to promote their own point of view without considering the contributions and point of view of others, not because they dismiss them but because they is not in their mind at all. This is an important distinction. Arrogant people tend not to listen to others for any reason, while aspies will listen to original ideas. Often aspies have, at least as far as the details, thought things further and so rush to counter counter-argument, but this is not arrogance but an attempt to be efficient. This of course is still a huge problem as far as teamwork goes.
Will Correct Small Errors Even if Disruptive: An inaccuracy is something 'out of place' and very annoying to the aspie, even if the general gist is understood. On the other hand, the annoyance to the speaker of being continually interrupted is great.
Problem Focus The aspie tendency is to focus on what is wrong and be indifferent to what is right. There is very little information in things that are right. Most information and interestingness is in defining problems. This is why high level thinking is called critical thinking. Most people are prone to this, but aspies always go where the information is, which is the problem areas of any plan. Since aspies are rarely the initiators or bosses, it can seem that they are 'sniping from the rear' out of ill-will. They frequently do not understand that leaders want support for even imperfect plans (which of course is all plans). Aspies often have disdain for the type of subordinate that supports the leader uncritically. What is need is a balanced approach.
Literal Interpretation of Language: Symbolic meaning, as discussed in the first section, are based on body feeling. True, common metaphors are like codes, but literal thinking can be a habit (but also literal thinking tends to be disciplined and avoids sophistry.)
Difficulty Mingling: In a get-to-know-you setting, the aspie either passive or disruptive. It is hard to attune his or her mood to the moods of others, and difficult to adapt interests.
Won't Take Polite Direction. For instance a boss or teacher might say, “I wouldn't mind if you....”, or “ You might....” or “If it's okay with you....” as a way of telling the aspie what they want him or her to do. They are not actually questions but directions. The very indirect phrasing is there to diffuse the automatic small resentment that is natural when humans are told to do something. Of course there is room for solemn objections if there is a good reason not to fulfill the request, but ignoring the direction is considered insubordinate. Aspies often consider doing nothing in this situation as an honest, economical answer to a real question. See also the paragraph on hints elsewhere in this section.
Violates Over-Arching Tone. For instance during a school tour of a hospital it is appropriate to marvel over an item of technology, but if one is accompanying an in-law to the hospital where a potentially dire diagnosis is possible, it is considered rude. Logically, marveling in the latter situation would not harm anyone further, except it doesn't feel right.
Jumps to the Bottom Line When a request is being made, it seems efficient to immediately point out what one will not do, and so jumping to the bottom line is a preferred aspie procedure. To a neuro-typical this is often experienced as being rejected personally because it is energetically a “no” before the request is finished. In a situation like this wise people might hear the request out, and then say “this is what I can do......” and what they can't or won't do usually need not be made explicit. An implicit “no” conveys the same information but is less provocative than an explicit “no.”
Spells Out All the Details and Implications that Others Have Already Inferred. Even if the listener indicates he or she 'gets it' this may be very compelling for the aspie. It causes more than boredom. Neuro-typicals expect to be expected to discern the straight-forward or even nuanced implications of main statements. That is why explaining a joke that others have already gotten is so annoying. An aspie though may try to connect by sharing his or her thought process, or he or she may feel comforted by completing 'the system.' Also conversations are enriched when the listener infers something the speaker hadn't thought about, and this procedure tramples that.
Hates Expediency: Expediency is the quality of an action, in which a rule or principle is temporarily suspended (but not modified for the future) in order to get to a acceptable result quickly. If two people have a disagreement, and one sees that the other feels much more strongly about it, or is more powerful, that person may yield without changing his or her mind at all, because the discomfort of a struggle is not worth the potential benefit. This is expediency. To an aspie, expediency is wrong because comfort and ease can't be weighed against what is right. Sometimes, an aspie will not be happy with getting his or her way if they believe the other person yielded out of expediency! He or she may insist on arguing the point until the other person comes to agree. Neuro-typicals often view the aspie as bizarrely argumentative.
Doesn't Understand Appreciation When neuro-typicals have done something helpful for the aspie, he or she tends to treat it as though the helpful person was 'just doing their job' or 'just doing what they wanted anyway', so no acknowledgment or expression of appreciation is forthcoming. Appreciation may be a spontaneous blurting out of gratitude, but often it is expressed because the receiver feels the need to say something, not in payment for the help, but to acknowledge the agency and humanity of the helper. Without it, the helper feels objectified and used. That is why appreciation is even appropriate for boss-subordinate relationships. Unfortunately, from the outside, this transaction looks identical to narcissism, but it is very different. The aspie is simply treating others the way he or she treats him- or herself. It is tempting to say, “the way the aspie wants to be treated” which is the case with many of the traits in this section. I believe that aspies do want appreciation because it is so basic a human need, and that the hunger to earn appreciation underlies some of drivenness that accentuates conflict.